What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 00:02
I think the readers, may guess!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why was Boromir corrupted by the One Ring, but not Faramir in The Lord of the Rings?
This is soul school!.
But, we were locked up after school.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was in good health!
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Why did i forgive my father ?
I will be 64.
She found it foreign!.
How do you perform a lap dance for your boyfriend or husband?
I don,t even have a pension.
We all went to grammer schools
I couldn’t, believe it.
Can you explain the difference between an ego, soul, mind, and consciousness?
We were not on the streets..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was seconnd youngest,
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Do most men prefer curvy women or skinny women?
I was 9 years of age.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But it wasn’t much.
All the time i was locked up.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im still living with it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He knew the spot.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Ive learnt so much.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I never cut or harmed myself..
Would this be the day?
I was very sick at this time too.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
(And it was in our own minds.)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I write beautiful poetry .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So whats the point in blame.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My life is so biszare .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She loved him until the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She wouldn,t have been !
She married twice! .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i do to all so called friends.?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
What did i know ?
It was going to be , some day.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Comes on , in middle age.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My family never makes their pension either.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And i lived it daily.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I said to her
I have no regrets .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Who then, do I blame.?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I waited trembling.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was scared of men, in general
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One cannot live in the past .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
When she asked me how she looked .
So, i spoilt her more .
Put me off passion for life!!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He resisted the act ,that day.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But ive been too sick for many years..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..